Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce! I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. Here was a woman who I thought was my good girlfriend. We had gotten together a few times and I had told her things-personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. I shared things with her and trusted her. Weeks later, I saw my ex leaving her house. It was like a stab in the heart.
If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life.
It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight.
Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista. Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication.
We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three.
In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.
There are a few different instances that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily psychotic, one of those being when I figured out "my ex is dating my friend!". I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. Here was a woman who I thought was my good girlfriend. Oct 15, People often have a bad opinion of pursuing friends' exes. And there certainly are times when people who go down this path find that it really wasn't worth it. But if you're wondering how to go about dating your friend's ex, and you think the pursuit might really have potential, don't worry, you are not a terrible butterfishny.com: Isaac Huss. Jun 14, I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. Here was a woman who I thought was my good girlfriend. We had gotten together a few times and I had told her things - personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. etc. I shared things with her and trusted her. Weeks later, I saw my ex leaving her house.
Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship - you just have to follow a few simple guidelines. Don't gossip.
It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush. I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.
Value Contrast: A Potential Problem
Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life.
Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other.
This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact.
7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex
If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party. Respect boundaries without making assumptions.
For instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume she doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked!
In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it.
Set aside time for each of them and honor it - don't drag your lover along on girls' night out not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about thisand don't invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.
Don't do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is, it's going to make things weird.
Besides, comparing yourself to anybody - even if you come out ahead - is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy.
So don't seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you're not interested in hearing it.
May 29, The dilemma I'm dating this amazing butterfishny.com problem is he is my best friend's ex. She and I were soul sisters, spoke on the phone for hours, had sleepovers all the time. If one of my friends wanted to date, have sex or even marry my ex-girlfriend, I would now be able to say, "Go ahead!" and would be genuinely happy for him, because I've enjoyed my choice with women for many years and am now in a relationship with my perfect woman.
Also, I knew so much about their relationship. Mariella replies Move on, or backpedal a bit?
I am dating my best friends ex girlfriend
I know the world we live in now is based on the principle of forward momentum - eyes to the fore, sights set on future goals and opportunities.
We are alert to anything that tries to buffet us backwards.
Dating My Friends Ex
Too much focus on distant and elusive peaks, and it can get pretty messy on your path. You can find yourself with little to cling to when the occasional downward slide occurs.
Sep 28, Yep, my ex-turned-best-bud shared a roof with my new partner and not only was it not awkward, it was actually fun. At the end of his stay, Author: Rachel Shatto. Mar 22, That being said, the first relationship I pursued was not worth it, because I didn't take the time to think if dating my best friend's ex would . Jun 04, In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one Author: Lindsay King-Miller.
All too often our mistakes do lie behind us. Now and again, revisiting the scene of the crime, rather than marching resolutely in the opposite direction, makes a lot of sense. How about some advice on how to make amends?
Only if she was deceived or betrayed when they were dating should you have major misgivings. I suggest you focus less on how your feelings are impairing your present romantic relationship and more on how to repair what was clearly an important past friendship. I wonder how many people have hooked up with a new, exciting lover only to miss the mundanity of their ex, or married and had kids only to hanker after their singleton days, or even moved to a better paid job and felt nostalgic for the camaraderie of the less lucrative one.
We humans have the ability to travel between our own two ears, come up with new ideas, imagine alternative worlds and encounter imaginary people.